my heart soars

the world is weeping, wounded by wars of many kinds.

ordinarily, i would weep too.

but today i cannot help but dance.

i dance with the somber realization that anything could happen; tragedy could strike down his plane, or render me breathless as i sleep.

yet still i dance, daring to believe that after three long months, in three short days i will be in his arms again.

my love, my life, my husband:

my heart soars

knowing i am yours

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normalcy

family-em-and-mels-b-day.jpgtoday as i splashed paint around my new house and attempted to transform it into a thing of beauty, i pondered normalcy.

it’s funny, the things we call ‘normal’ in order to stay sane. things that should really rock our world, make us howl in anger, or want to give up on life altogether…

i think our subconscious spares us pain by immediately slotting those certain occasions into the ‘normal’ filing cabinet, so as to spare us our mind and soul.

what in particular am i talking about?

my mother, and a particular carrot cake with cream cheese icing.

every year for my birthday, my mom would make me carrot cake with cream cheese icing: it’s to die for.

this year, she insisted on doing the same. i was touched. it took her all day long. she would crack some eggs, then wander away for a couple of hours. later on, she shredded some carrots… then lay down. time passed, and i came upon her pulling out various bowls and ingredients from the shelves while the eggs and the carrots just sat there… she left those things sitting on the counter also, and went off to write in her date book. eventually, through the efforts of my father who actually mixed the cake, poured it into the pans and put them in the oven — and myself, who creamed the icing and spread it on the cake — the tradition was completed.

i thought nothing of it. my mind slotted the occurrence into the normalcy category and we all continued on … but today, while splashing paint around my house, it hit me: that wasn’t normal. my mother is sick. NORMALLY she would be able to bake the cake and ice it within a couple of hours.

survival mode. that’s what it’s all about. deceiving ourselves until we arrive in heaven where we’ll fully understand and fully embrace.