mary poppins

some nights as the moon is brazenly yellow and the stars are twinkling, it hits me.

the reality of my mother’s frailty.

her tumor is growing 0.5 mm each month; the ‘problem’ is increasing, but that’s the way it is with cancer: it grows. it grows until it’s so big it takes over your world, and then suddenly it will vanish, leaving a big vacant hole filled only with memories that i need to write down before i forget.

memories like when i came back from australia; i was cleaning up the house, when mom approached me with a smile on her face. “can you do the laundry?” she asked. “already done,” i said. “Ahh…” she said, her eyes twinkling. “now i remember why i missed you!”

or like yesterday, when she called up and left a message: “emily, i was wondering if you’d like to come over and watch mary poppins with me?”

i’m so glad i watched it with her. today she’s fuzzy again; fuzzy meaning she won’t remember today, tomorrow. fuzzy meaning she’s moaning and her eyes are flicking every which way and i’m changing her and leading her around and feeding her.

all that to say, i need to take advantage of the days which she’ll remember. to capture the priceless moments which she unknowingly creates.

moments like a couple of sundays ago, when we were eating potluck at church. mom’s good friend, shirley, was eyeing up the desserts on a man’s plate. “i hate brownies,” she said. the man, who was eating one such brownie, said “i don’t know why. they contribute a lot of good to society.” (referring to the girl scouts) mom looked at shirley, with shock in her big blue eyes and said “you’re so mean!” (also referring to the girl scouts)

even today, on a very fuzzy day, she can sing along to rich mullins’ songs singing “i will follow you” as she’s following me across the living room floor to her favorite blue easy chair, with her arms draped around my neck, her head bee-boppin’. occasionally she’ll stop to tap her feet to the beat of the song.

i have to admit, those praise and worship songs have been angering me lately. one day mom was singing to another mullins’ song, “On the verge of a miracle”… and she turned to me and said solemnly, “That’s me, Emily. I’m on the verge of a miracle.” And i wanted to believe it with all my heart. but everything in my scope of vision is telling me otherwise.

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3 Comments

  1. ammeepearl said,

    November 10, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    Hey Em,

    Your entries lately are full of your emotion, anger, and love for your mother, and I know, no one can understand the “Why” sometimes. But I hope that you know, that you are extending Christ’s Love all the while, and that alone, is a miracle.
    I love you and am praying for you.
    a.

  2. Auntie D said,

    November 15, 2007 at 6:40 am

    “I know not by what methods rare,
    But this I know: God answers prayer.
    I know not if the blessing sought
    Will come in just the guise I thought.
    I leave my prayer to Him alone
    Whose will is wiser than my own.”

    Yes, as Ammeepearl said, we do not understand the “why” of things that happen. We just do not get it as to suffering and pain of loved ones. But God knows the final chapter of our “book” and asks us to trust Him.
    So difficult to do when we are in the valley.

    “On the verge of a miracle …” makes me think of standing on the threshold of life, going forward to the entrance full of light, sensing a wonderous event, or experiencing in one’s mind a departure of the pain and suffering of this earth, and an arrival in our eternal home, where there are no more tears, pain, sadness, or fuzzy thinking.

    I pray that you may take comfort in these thoughts and sense God’s presence and peace in every new miracle that you share with your precious Mother. That you may enjoy the gift of each new day that the Lord blesses you with in sharing time with your Mom, even though it is so difficult to be in the midst of it all.

    Praying for you and your Mom and Dad.

    Love, Auntie Darlene

  3. abbagirl74 said,

    November 22, 2007 at 1:25 pm

    Em. It’s Thanksgiving here. I just wanted you to know how thankful I am to have had the pleasure of knowing you, even if through the internet. I hope you are well and that your family is doing good. Tell Trent hello for me. Thank you so much for everything.


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