when do i stop caring?

mom on a ‘fuzzy’ daythe grass groans. it’s hurting. my toes continue to slap slap its tender skin, unaware. uncaring. because my heart is bursting.

my last blog wondered: why don’t i care MORE?

yet paradoxically, when do i stop? when do i just turn a blind eye? which things matter, and which don’t?

grass… it’s easy to take grass for granted. it’s unable to speak, so i choose to ignore it. same with animals; unless i see them visibly hurting, i assume they’re okay.

perhaps for me it takes vocal communication uttered into my sphere of existence to wake up and say, hello!

but even then, my analytical self wonders, is that truly caring? or simply guilting? (a self-imposed word for doing things out of guilt)

is guilting okay, if the results cure the problem?

is choosing not to care okay, if someone else DOES?

if i choose to slap across the grass in bare feet, refusing to hear its silent screams, but someone else takes the time to water, fertilize and seed it, am i off the hook?

sometimes i feel like my heart is going to explode. sometimes i look at my mother on her fuzzy days and i think, i don’t have room for any other people right now. every bit of my emotions is going towards her. every ounce of strength, compassion, every last tear and prayer is covering my mother, especially on those fuzzy days.

is this wrong? please… care enough to answer!

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4 Comments

  1. Teneale said,

    January 19, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    Em, I understand why all your prayers and thoughts are towards your mom right now. I wouldn’t necessarily say this is wrong, even though it might be a bit…unhealthy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be somewhat consumed (becuase I know I would be), but I’m still encouraging you enjoy that things that are good…like Trent, and life in general as it passes by. But the truth is, I think you do…I see you smiling and having fun, and working and living, so maybe you aren’t as consumed as you think you are? Maybe you do have a healthy balance already, and just haven’t noticed everything that you are really noticing. Does that even make sense? The truth is Em, I think you are doing amazingly well. I admire everything you give your Mom, becuase it would be so much easier to run away and avoid. I applaud you for being there and taking every moment you can with her. Just know that you are in my prayers as well. I love you hon. And I miss you.

  2. Amy said,

    January 21, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    Hey Em ~ I think it’s totally ok to care, because sometimes, afterall, if we don’t who will? But I think it’s important to note too, that we cannot give what we do not have, and we do not have what we choose not to receive. So remember to take strength and joy and peace from God and those who love you, so can continue to be the wonderfully caring person tht you are =) We need others just as much as they need us.
    love and prayers ~ a.

  3. mb said,

    January 26, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    Em,

    THIS is your calling right now. I pray that the Lord would strengthen your heart today. Remember to let him carry your burden, let him refresh you and give you the strength to care. May you find REST in him today.

    love,
    Mel

  4. Auntie D said,

    February 5, 2008 at 1:30 am

    Dear Em; There are times when God expresses His care for us through others. It can be through someone’s smile or touch .. through a timely word that is spoken, or a loving deed that is expressed .. through a burden that is shared, or a prayer that is prayed on your behalf. In big ways and in little ways God has so many wonderful ways of caring for you. (Hebrews 13:5-6) So take comfort and be encouraged, and confidently and boldly say that “The Lord is my Helper, I will not be seized with alarm, I will not fear or dread, or be terrified.”
    Em, as I look over the comments from your family and friends, I can feel God’s love for you and yes, He is so faithful on so many levels.

    God bless you and keep you and give you strength. And yes, even peace in the midst of chaos. We love you and Trent. Give your Mom a special hug from us here too, even though she does not know us.

    I know we did not really get to touch base at Christmas and that is too bad. Maybe one day we can actually sit down and have a coffee together and just hang out. Take good care.

    Love, Auntie D and family


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