transparent wings

Time is flying by on transparent wings.

My husband and I have both been very sick, yet continue to plod along. Last week the entire family was up from Ottawa; it was good to play games and make fun of each other.

Some days it feels like I am constantly being tested: which I probably am. I’ve realized life isn’t about the results, but about the process. God cares what my response is to the problem; he can easily provide the solution. Too often I explode in the face of uncertainty, when I should simply embrace it and move on.

Right now we’re praying about the future. Trent’s father is very sick, and may need to give up farming altogether. Trent has never wanted to farm, but feels he should help his Dad – at least for awhile. It wouldn’t be for a couple of years (after all, Trent has a dream job right now, and I’ve just accepted a position at The Record), but still — every day I battle my desire to just take off and see the world and not worry about family anymore. Every day I wonder, is today the day my mother will get better? Is today the day she’ll die? And with my father in law also being sick, our prayer times are chock-full of “Lord, please heal, heal, heal…”

Deep down I know I’m happiest when I’m watching a movie with my mother or helping her wash her hair. I’m happiest when I’m around those I love.

It’s just that sometimes ‘self’ kicks in. I crave traveling. It’s something which bubbles up inside of me, like the need to paint or write. I think about it constantly.

Yet as I explained to my sister in law the other day, I’m becoming more and more convinced that life isn’t about what we ‘want.’ After all, we don’t even know what we truly want. It’s about doing what we ought, and trusting God to give us the desires of our hearts in the process.

When we honor Him, He blesses us.  It’s not the other way ’round. This world is about pleasing self; I’m realizing that’s a big lie. Daily I find joy in simple things: in typing away on my computer, in painting, in reading a good book — things which can be done anywhere. And when I worry, I pray. I pray “Lord, you know I want to travel. Please open a door for me to do so. If you don’t want me to, take that desire away.”

Amen. and Amen.

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5 Comments

  1. Amy Pearl said,

    February 28, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    Hey girl! thanks so much for writing this — it really spoke to my heart, you wrote it so right. It’s not about us … ever really, and it’s hard to wrap our brains around that in a society that is soooo incredibly focused on ourselves. And I love your last line, “If you don’t want me to, take that desire away.” Wisdom my friend =) love and miss you =)
    a.

  2. Teneale said,

    February 28, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    I often get trapped in what I want. What do I need to be happy? I guess when it comes down to it, it really is about our attitudes that really make a difference. But finding our way through life, and making sure that we chose what is right really is a problem. How do I really know that what I’m doing is right? Sometimes I feel so confident that I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, but then the very next day I can feel so unsure. I suppose if we focus less on ourselves and more on others we will find our way through this world.
    I love you Em and I love the way you think. I appreciate your out look on life, even though sometimes it comes as a hard reminder to myself. 😉

  3. Auntie D said,

    March 2, 2008 at 5:09 am

    Dear Emily

    I let Uncle Derk read your beautiful post and he is in awe of your faith and your outlook on life. He often prays in the morning for you and Trent, and of course for your Mom and for Harv. Yes, we pray and pray for healing!

    As to travelling, I know a bit of how that feels. When I was younger, every spring I would get the travelling “bug,” and it was very hard to make it go away. Auntie Rhonda and I did some trips together, quitting our jobs and just taking off to Penticton and then one year I sold all my belongings and we took off to California , tenting and holidaying together. After we got back to Edmonton, we slept for months on the floor in our sleeping bags and stored our clothes in boxes until we got more money to buy things for our apartment. Those were great times! Slowly over the years after I got married and had children, some of that desire for travelling went away, but not without some self discipline. ;o) I wish you God’s peace in that too and that He will make a way where there seems to be no way. I love that song!

    Have a wonderful Sunday together and may your time there and memories be sweet!

    We love you both and hope you are feeling well again. Not fun to be sick.

    Auntie D. and family

  4. Auntie D said,

    March 2, 2008 at 5:20 am

    Em, my Auntie Kay told me one time that in her older age she loved to rent movies of different countries from the library .. and in her mind she was able to “travel” and “visit” any part of the world that she liked. I thought that was sooo cute. She was very wise in many things. She died last year at age 92. I often miss her wonderful words of wisdom.

    I read your post of when you are happiest … think on those things. God will bless you for your unseflfish acts of love for people. You are such a beautiful person.

    God can make all things new in our lives, just as His mercies greet us in a new way every morning. He can give us new life, a new heart, new desires, a new beginning. And a new song in our hearts. I pray that He will fill you to overflowing in the days to come. Enjoy your week. xoxoxoxo from us all here.

  5. naomi said,

    March 3, 2008 at 5:51 am

    I guess you could practice thinking of travelling as not necessarily ‘leaving’ – there is difference and the unexpected around every corner. Maybe take a run in a place you haven’t visited before, or spend a couple hours driving around on the back roads? I always get a kick out of running in new places and being free to take that fork in the road, even if only for half an hour!


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