raindrop realizations

as the water pitter-patters against my window pane, it hits me: a rock-hard thought splashing into the puddle of my mind, rippling with concentric feelings:

if i hadn’t lost my baby, i wouldn’t have been able to have the operation on my cervix. the pre-cancerous cells would have then developed… becoming something much bigger, much more terrifying. cancer.

is it possible, i ask the suds in my dishwater–as the rain continues to dribble down the glass, much like the tears on my face–that God hadn’t turned a blind eye? that he intentionally gave me the hope of knowing i could conceive, but then withdrew the hope in order to heal me, so that when the time does arrive for me to have a family, i can live to see them grow up? is this why he allows pain to happen? because, ultimately, he cares more than we’ll ever imagine?

i hadn’t learned of the pre-cancerous cells until after the miscarriage. yet, he’d known all along.

the realization is too much and i lie in a pool of tears, leaking gratitude across my bed. outside, a rainbow begins to streak across the sky, bleeding hope to this weak little girl.

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4 Comments

  1. Teneale said,

    November 15, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    I was actually wondering and thinking the same thing. Its not very often that we get to look back at our lives and understand the reason behind God’s actions. But I hold to the belief that there is a reason, otherwise I think I would go crazy! I love you Em, and we are praying for you and Trent (and your future family)

  2. November 16, 2008 at 9:49 pm

    love this blog. your writing is heart wrenching…

  3. Susan Faucher said,

    November 25, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    dearest emily…i am sad to hear of your and trents loss.we never know why these things happen to us but we try to accept them as best we can.i know that the love you have for GOD will see you through this and the love of your family.please take time to rest after the surgery you have had.you and your family are always in my prayers.love susan.xo

  4. December 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    I’ve been away from your blog for a while and missed this poignant post. Emily, I am so grateful for the woman you are: strong (though I know you often feel small and weak), wise (though you may feel confused), and full of faith (even though you sometimes question). You are so beautiful, Em, and have qualities of spirit that many don’t attain in a lifetime of living, let alone just a couple decades.

    A couple years ago I heard a spiritual sung by a gospel choir from Montreal. The song was called, “He Kept Me.” It’s lyrics spoke about hard times in life, feeling overwhelmed, and depression. In the chorus the choir sang, “I had almost given up, but He kept me, God kept me.” For people like you and me who’ve had the evil one wrap his deathly talons around us, there is no other explanation for why we are here today but that God kept us. May He continue to keep you because you have so much yet to teach us! Love you, Em.


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