french-fries and pancakes

today she’s okay.

yesterday, mum’s mind was playing tricks on her. telling her the french-fry is a pancake, and where is the syrup?

the day before that, she couldn’t talk. could only drop her neck, breathe in sleep.

at church, i play my guitar and sing. i glance over at mum, sitting all alone, surrounded by people she doesn’t recognize, wondering why we’re having church on a tuesday… time is mum’s enemy, playing tricks on her.

sometimes i wonder who i’m trying to fool with these hymns.

then dad stands up, begins to preach. his hair is grey, his face tired, but his voice is strong. no one knows his back is strained from when mum fell off the toilet and he had to pick her up, all by himself. no one knows he doesn’t sleep for wondering, what will she be like tomorrow?

but his voice is strong. because he believes that one day, she will be okay. forever. and that’s all that matters.

i pick up my guitar and sing. it’s my gift to him.

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5 Comments

  1. February 9, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Your words were a gift to me…
    raw and honest and real.
    Beautiful… moving.

    Thank you…

  2. AmmeePearl said,

    February 10, 2009 at 12:47 am

    Worship in the midst of pain and our hurts is a definition of true sacrifice of praise =)
    — love, a.

  3. Allie said,

    February 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    I love it, ember… although it’s real pain & sore waiting, Mum’s God & ours has never let us out of his sight, hey? his touch seems to reach into & past the depth of our longing, our wishing, our sighing, and into our hearts where he says, ‘i love you; i’ll never let you go! you’re mine.’ and like you said, she will be OK- and all our tears & prayers are in a sense are such reminders of our thirst for Home.
    i love you!

  4. Teneale said,

    February 12, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    He Em. Sorry I haven’t read your blog in while. Life is crazy here. Logan is sleeping beside me, so I have a few minutes to do what I like. Oh, I spoke too soon. He is beginning to stir…and…eyes are open, looking around. Eyes are closing…will I get a few more minutes. Time will tell.
    Anyway, as usual, your words speak to my heart and I’m really glad I had a chance to catch up with you. It feels like you are talking to me.
    Always in my prayers and thought. Hugs.

  5. Melanie said,

    February 13, 2009 at 2:28 am

    Em,

    These days I have been thinking about HOME–Heaven. I have been thinking about how that is truly where we belong, and where we will be whole. We live in a flawed world, and yet there are glimpses of God’s grace.

    I pray that you would continue to play those hymns, and experience that grace, and witness healing in your mum’s life. Thanks for your honest and beautiful words.

    Mel


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