very much alive

“don’t mourn that which isn’t dead,” his voice whispers through the trees.

i’m walking in the woods, talking with God.

i catch the runaway sentence and cling to it like a child with a kite.

i’d been mourning mum. her brain tumour.  “but she’s a new creation,” he tells me in the secret space of prayer. “i’ve made her a new person.”

that afternoon we sit, mum and i, in our lazy boys, staring out her large glass windows, watching spring dance across the lawn.

“God told me not to mourn for you today,” i tell her, hesitantly. “he said he’s made you into a new creation.”

i’m hoping this will encourage her. she’s been quietly petting the cat. slowly sipping her tea. everything is an effort today. even sitting.

she looks at me and smiles with her blue eyes and pink cheeks. “i’m glad he told you not to mourn,” she says. “i don’t mourn for myself.”

we quietly mull over the moment. she nibbles a fig newton. then, “i get sad,” she says. “but i don’t mourn.”

and i think about the difference. it’s important to let ourselves feel sad over the loss of abilities and health. grief frees us to celebrate new life. but we cannot mourn that which is currently happening. that which is alive.

“and i’m very much alive,” she says. mum’s eyes sparkle and i watch her toes tap against the air to the music. and i know it’s true. i just need to believe, even on the bad days. God is doing a new thing.

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4 Comments

  1. April 30, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Your words echo, invert: “Why do you look for the living among the dead?” And she lives forever… New creation who will never die.

    Yes, just to believe.

    You walk me into the space where I hear Him too.

    Beautiful words, these… Thank you, e….

    All’s grace,
    Ann

  2. Teneale said,

    April 30, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    Beautiful entry Em. Thanks again for being brave enough to share your thoughts and feelings. I admire your strength so much. And I think your mom is a real sweety. It was so good to see her, and meet her again. Love you

  3. AmmeePearl said,

    April 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    This is powerful Em =) love, a.

  4. May 1, 2009 at 5:00 am

    Thank you, Em. Your transparency is radiant.


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