soul fatigue

some days i don’t see it coming.

aiden is talking, laughing in little boy gurgles, gasping, swinging his legs

then…

heavy lids. protruding bottom lip. and if i don’t catch it in time… a squished up face, and sobs…

fatigue descends, a shooting star.

i pick him up, rock him back and forth… my own lids getting heavy with the movement…

then place him gently down in the bassinette.

walk away.

i hear him fussing, lifting his head, somehow shocked at being in this place so familiar… he grunts, squirms, then, begins to cry…

i place my hand on his bum, pat pat… and all is quiet. head drops. lids shut. and he is asleep.

some days, i feel this:

utter soul-fatigue, such that i’m wound up tight… i bow down to pray, but all i can feel is angst… the dishes need doing, the laundry sits in smug piles, and assignments await… then, i catch sight of the icicles, shining in the sunlight; hanging holy, sharp sheen… jagged, cold, breathtaking. and it does–it grabs my breath, takes it hostage, and all i can do is… rest. in this moment of pure beauty.

pat, pat. God places his hand on me, reassuring me: he, creator of icicles–here today, gone tomorrow–will care for me. will make beauty shine through me.

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4 Comments

  1. January 15, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    love this post… in a very similar season… with little ones hanging on.
    beautiful words –
    His beauty shining through.

    Grace & Peace,
    aimee

  2. Naomi said,

    January 16, 2010 at 2:04 am

    He is SO gorgeous! Your eyes?

  3. Teneale said,

    January 16, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Beautiful post Em. Once again I love how your words transport me to where you are and at the same time make me feel like I’ve written them, because I have felt the exact same way (minus feeling bad about chores that need doing haha). Love you!

  4. Linda said,

    January 17, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    We are, I think, all in that place at one time or another. Oh to have eyes to see, to be close enough to Him to feel the gentle pats and hear the murmurings of encouragement.
    You do write so beautifully Em.


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