this morning i want to fall

pupils are wide in this little girl’s face. i rub hand worn, dry, across forehead, hear aiden down the hall and want to fall on the toilet for, another sleepless night. another night of listening to husband breathe, hearing the old-man fridge break out into listless hum, the furnace, roll over and over, and my thoughts, tumbling with the furnace like a load of laundry. and i know, i must not have eaten enough that day, and i must have worried too much.

this, my confession: i don’t take time for myself, don’t give myself pleasures. i type hard assignments, play hard with baby, serve hard husband and mother, and paint hard when i have commissions, but never let myself rest and why? as if i were a martyr to my own cause…. pride. and now, i want to fall and not rise, want to call on someone to go, pick up my baby boy and nurse and care for him while i sulk in dawn’s too early light, but my someone is gone to work, and i am here alone.

and i think, when did i get so afraid? for fear drives me… fear of not making money, fear of not knowing the future, fear of not being in control, fear of becoming lazy… fear of little production. yet the Bible says REST. to not rest, is a sin.

from somewhere in the back of cobwebbed brain i hear her: “dance long dances, sing long songs, emily” and once again i remember the meaning of life: people. not things or money or book deals. and so i walk into my baby’s room and pull the drapes and sing him his good-morning song, forcing away worries of house selling, of hubby finding job, of me finding publisher for book, of anything but the little life cooing songs from deep inside his bassinette.

and when he sees me, he squeals.

and that makes this morning worth it.

and so i learn to walk, one day at a time, all over again, as if i too were a baby, needing picking up and holding when all i want to do is fall…

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  1. Allie said,

    April 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    hi ember,
    here are some thoughts from the lovely Book I flipped open just after reading your blog.. searching for some answers, for something encouraging, for something to share.. this is what I found & I hope it’s uplifting. hug!

    3:25 and following verses…
    ‘God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
    it’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
    it’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.

    when life is heavy and hard to take,
    go off by yourself. enter the silence.
    bow in prayer.
    don’t ask questions:
    wait for hope to appear.
    don’t run from trouble. take it full-face.
    the “worst” is never the worst.

    why? because the Master won’t ever
    walk out and fail to return.
    if he works severely, he also works tenderly.
    His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
    He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
    in throwing roadblocks in the way…

    “I called out your name, O God,
    called from the bottom of the pit.
    You listened when I called out, “don’t shut your ears!
    get me out of here! save me!”

    You came close when I called out.
    you said, “it’s going to be all right.”

    i love you em!!

  2. April 14, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    I’ve had some trouble sleeping and over-thinking and worrying lately as well. Appropriately enough, this morning the passage I was reading was Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount – chapter 6 – Treasures in Heaven and Do not worry. I know I’ve read it a hundred times – but the familiar words, the forgotten message eased my heart and mind this morning. I’ll be praying for you, dear Em. Give it a read.

  3. Linda said,

    April 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Dearest Em-
    It would seem we are traveling the same path these days – different circumstances, same reactions. I haven’t even been able to write mine out, but I was planning to today. For He has been teaching me the very same thing. One step at a time; one day at a time. His grace is sufficient for THIS day, THIS moment.
    I will be praying for you. You are due a long letter. Soon… Please know I think of you and continue to pray over all of those things. He knows; He loves; He cares.

  4. Allie said,

    April 14, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Ouch and wow. This was a great post. I have trouble RESTing too. And for the same reasons. Ouch…and wow

  5. Trish said,

    April 15, 2010 at 1:17 am

    Resting in Him…something I think we wives and mothers need to do more.

    Thank you for sharing. Blessings

  6. April 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    I wish you peace. In all your mind and body hours of trying.

    Sometimes I need to remind myself how little eyes and hearts watch me.

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